Parenting Blog

Spanking or hitting children is an age-old punishment that is under debate now more than ever. While many professionals say that reasoning with a child is more effective in the long term and less hurtful to parents and child, many parents insist that spanking is a necessary evil and not doing so only encourages bad behavior. Americans are so divided on this issue that roughly half are opposed to physical punishment and the other half support it. The fact that many of today’s parents were spanked or hit as children only complicates the issue. Most can recall the emotional pain of being hit, but many of them make peace with these sad memories by pointing out that they’ve grown up to be healthy, well-adjusted adults.

Is there any proof that physical punishment is damaging to children? There may not be a way to know for sure, but we can explore the issue by looking at Sweden. In 1979, Sweden banned physical punishment for children. Professionals who have examined the behavior of young people since the ban was passed say that behavior has actually improved and happiness has increased among Swedish youth. They also attribute the significantly lower number of violent acts that take place in Sweden (as compared to the United States) to the decrease of physical violence as a means of discipline. Children are taught that hitting is wrong, and so when parents use it as a punishment for bad behavior, it causes confusion and resentment on the child’s part. “Too many parents think that children don’t register spanking as an act of violence,” says Jesse Morgan, a graduate student of child psychology in Michigan. “They think that spanking doesn’t actually hurt the child. In reality, the physical and emotional pain of the act is all the child remembers.” Professionals today even insist that spanking and hitting teach children that violence is an acceptable form of problem-solving, citing that children who are spanked often show greater aggression than those who are not. It seems that the popularity of physical punishment that peaked around the baby-boom generation is now on the decline. “I was punished physically as a child and I still resent it,” says Morgan. “The feelings of hurt and humiliation are as strong today as ever before. It was those feelings and memories that first encouraged me to explore child psychology. I knew that something just wasn’t right.” Though it seems the momentum of the debate is on the opposing side, until a ban like that in Sweden is passed in the United States, it’s up to parents to decide for themselves.

The most effective method of discipline changes with your child’s age. As simple as that sounds, it can be tricky for parents to keep up. This is partly because the best forms of discipline are subject to constant debate by doctors and childcare professionals. Every parenting handbook you open will give you a different set of rules to follow. More important than the method of discipline you choose, however, is your consistency in following it. No matter how varied their opinions on spanking may be, every childcare professional agrees that if you don’t keep to your rules, neither will your child.

Consistency is especially important as your child begins to interpret the consequences of his behavior. This typically begins around the age of three. At this point you should take the time to explain to your child why his or her behavior is unacceptable. Punishing a young child without giving a reason is ineffective because your child has not yet developed his sense of right and wrong. Don’t expect a behavior problem to be solved the first time you discuss it with your child. You should expect him to repeat his actions, and this is where consistency comes in: you must react each time the behavior comes up. If you make sure your child cleans up his messy room before he goes out to play, he will eventually form a habit of making sure his room is clean before asking you if his friend can come over. On the other hand, if you frequently let your child leave his clothes or toys all over the floor, you cannot expect him to develop clean habits.

Another mistake parents make in disciplining their child happens when each parents doles out different punishments for the same behavior. If Mom turns a blind eye to the occasional temper tantrum while Dad gives a strict punishment each time their child loses control, the child will not learn that tantrums are unacceptable and his behavior will not change. Parents should make a habit of discussing their child’s behavior with each other and deciding on an appropriate response they will both take each time it happens. Whatever form of discipline you choose, it’s crucial that you act every time.

Never underestimate the power of praise. When your child controls his behavior in a difficult situation or successfully picks up his toys before starting a new activity, let him know that you’ve noticed. It’s a lot easier to reward your child than it is to punish him, and some doctors believe it’s more effective as well. Discipline doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult if you take simple measures and stick to your rules.

Kids whose emotional needs aren’t met when they are young often have a tough time with social interaction and responsibility later on in life. To raise an emotionally healthy child, there are certain needs that are particularly important to fulfill.

First, all children need a safe and healthy home environment. They need to know that their parents or caregivers will be there for them if any need arises. That’s why it’s important to manage your outside stress. Things like financial worries and disputes with your partner that affect your mood and can build mistrust and even fear in your child.

Your kids need your approval and acceptance. Excessive criticism leads to low self confidence, and a lack of praise or recognition leads to feelings of unworthiness. Children may grow up to become unproductive and apathetic, or they might overcompensate by working excessively and developing an unhealthy need to please others. Physical contact is important too. Whether you are giving them a hug and kiss or engaging them in a tickle fight, kids need to know that you are close and available for comfort. Another crucial method of showing your love and support for your kids is the amount of time you spend with them. Parents today lead busier lives than ever before, but kids still need you to take time out simply to enjoy each other’s company. A parent who is always too busy to spend some free time with their child sends the message that their child is less important or not as interesting as everything else in their life.

Contrary to what you might think, kids also want limits. Knowing that rules apply gives children a sense of security and direction in their lives. And it’s crucial that you not only set these rules, but you enforce them consistently. Not only does this assure your children that they are safe and being looked out for, it shows how much you care for them. Predictable rules and consequences will help your child develop an innate sense of responsibility. Young children learn morality, their concept of right and wrong, from early forms of discipline. “Problem” kids who act out frequently are usually victims of an uncaring family who fails to set limits, and by behaving badly they are searching for someone to set these limits for them.

Emotional health is essential for your children to succeed early on and to lead independent lives and hold healthy relationships as adults. When you are faced with the stresses of day to day life, sometimes the best thing you can do is to set your worries aside for a while and play a game with your child. It will go a long way toward enriching both of your lives.