Parenting Blog

Few relationships are as unique as the ones between siblings. They might be as different as night and day, but it’s tough to find someone who understands you as much as your brother or sister. Consider it: no one else was raised the way you were or shared such similar early experiences. Many siblings find that years of bickering, bullying and often physical fighting give way to a close and lasting friendship. Still, sibling rivalry is a handful for parents to cope with.

Even though siblings share genes, they are usually vastly different from each other. Some psychologists believe that our siblings influence who we become even more than our parents do. It might seem like a freakish coincidence that your two daughters are the exact opposite of each other, but it’s probably not. Siblings may adjust their behavior to compete for your attention or to create harmony within the family. A competitive child might challenge his siblings at all their favorite sports, while a more easygoing child might avoid an activity in which their sibling has excelled in order to avoid comparison or competition. A child could develop great mediation and compromising skills to compensate for his stubborn and demanding sibling.

Sibling rivalry exists for many reasons. A younger kid is bound to become jealous of his older brother’s privileges, while at the same time the older brother is resentful that your younger child has more privileges than he had at that age. When you deal with your children differently because they have unique personalities and needs, chances are your kids won’t understand and demand equality or “fairness.” The best thing to do in these situations is to trust your judgment and stick to your decisions without indulging your kids’ concerns over what is “fair.” Your children innately understand why they can’t all receive the same treatment at any given time.

Still, if your child is angry with a sibling, it’s important that you don’t dismiss his feelings or tell him to suppress them. Kids, rather than learning how to suppress anger, must learn how to deal with it in an acceptable way. Teach your children how to work out disputes with their brothers and sisters verbally to avoid an unproductive yelling or hitting match. Try to allow your kids to work out disputes among themselves whenever possible. It’s important that they learn problem solving skills, but don’t hesitate to step in if the need arises. Also, you shouldn’t compare your children. While it may be tempting during times of high frustration to ask your child “Why can’t you behave like your big sister?” remember that such comments only fuel sibling rivalry and resentment.

The most effective method of discipline changes with your child’s age. As simple as that sounds, it can be tricky for parents to keep up. This is partly because the best forms of discipline are subject to constant debate by doctors and childcare professionals. Every parenting handbook you open will give you a different set of rules to follow. More important than the method of discipline you choose, however, is your consistency in following it. No matter how varied their opinions on spanking may be, every childcare professional agrees that if you don’t keep to your rules, neither will your child.

Consistency is especially important as your child begins to interpret the consequences of his behavior. This typically begins around the age of three. At this point you should take the time to explain to your child why his or her behavior is unacceptable. Punishing a young child without giving a reason is ineffective because your child has not yet developed his sense of right and wrong. Don’t expect a behavior problem to be solved the first time you discuss it with your child. You should expect him to repeat his actions, and this is where consistency comes in: you must react each time the behavior comes up. If you make sure your child cleans up his messy room before he goes out to play, he will eventually form a habit of making sure his room is clean before asking you if his friend can come over. On the other hand, if you frequently let your child leave his clothes or toys all over the floor, you cannot expect him to develop clean habits.

Another mistake parents make in disciplining their child happens when each parents doles out different punishments for the same behavior. If Mom turns a blind eye to the occasional temper tantrum while Dad gives a strict punishment each time their child loses control, the child will not learn that tantrums are unacceptable and his behavior will not change. Parents should make a habit of discussing their child’s behavior with each other and deciding on an appropriate response they will both take each time it happens. Whatever form of discipline you choose, it’s crucial that you act every time.

Never underestimate the power of praise. When your child controls his behavior in a difficult situation or successfully picks up his toys before starting a new activity, let him know that you’ve noticed. It’s a lot easier to reward your child than it is to punish him, and some doctors believe it’s more effective as well. Discipline doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult if you take simple measures and stick to your rules.

As your child gets older, it’s natural for him to “rebel” or make choices that you might not approve of.  If you are afraid that your child is falling in with a bad group of friends, don’t start panicking, because there are some things you should do before you jump to a conclusion. If you see some odd behavior changes in your child and he’s been mentioning friends you’ve never met, encourage him to talk about his social life with you. Ask “He doesn’t sound familiar, is he a new friend?” Give your child the opportunity to have his new friends over so you can get to know them and observe their behavior. You might discover that these new friends are nothing to worry about. On the other hand, if you disapprove of these buddies, try to refrain from discussing this with your child. If he’s trying to break away from you by hanging out with these kids, your disapproval will only fuel his rebelliousness – worse still, it will discourage him from sharing things with you in the future. The only time you should intervene is if you see a direct threat to your child’s safety and well-being – that is, if these new friends are using alcohol or tobacco or leading your child into dangerous situations that could get him into trouble.

Make sure your child understands your expectations for him. Remind him of the values you have worked to instill in him, and make it clear that there will be punishment for breaking the rules. If you’re worried about your child, don’t take any bad behavior lightly. If your child begins to strike up cruel arguments or speak rudely to you, don’t turn a blind eye, even at the smallest incident – make sure he realizes that there are consequences for such actions. Let your child know that he should not act that way around you or anyone else. Friendships come and go throughout childhood, and chances are your child won’t maintain relationships with kids whose values conflict with his own. As he matures, he will make lasting friendships and his rebellious phase will come to an end. While it is crucial that you watch for signs of danger and threats to your child’s safety, you have to remember that you cannot make decisions for your child. He must learn who he is and how to maintain good friendships for himself and experiences like these are an important part of the learning process.