Coping with Shyness
Having a shy child causes lots of anxiety for parents. It’s not uncommon for parents to worry about their child’s happiness, or to fear that they have failed to teach their child proper social skills. It’s important for parents to remember that shyness in itself is part of your child’s personality, and is not necessarily a problem. Some children are naturally outgoing and engage in many social activities with their peers, while others are happiest playing on their own or with one or two other children. “My daughters are close in age, but they couldn’t be more different,” says Karen Shannahan, mother of two grown children. One of her daughters is a cheerleader, a natural leader, and has always had a large group of friends. The other daughter studies English at college, loves to read and write, and is content with one or two close companions. As a child, says Karen, her daughter refused to play with other kids. “She would not stick up for herself, and she never talked to anyone at school. I worried about her constantly.” Karen tried everything to encourage her daughter to be more social. “When she started middle school, I would tell her that she could have friends sleep over anytime on the weekends. I didn’t want her to start high school without any social skills.”
Many parents believe that shyness is a problem that needs to be fixed. Unfortunately, trying to fix the problem by bringing it up with your child often hurts rather than helps. “My daughter got very annoyed with me whenever I asked if she was making some friends,” says Karen. Shy children know they are shy, and don’t need to be reminded. Shyness can make life difficult for a child, especially in the adolescent world of middle school dances and dating. Harping on about your child’s social life only extends these problems into her home. If you are a worried parent, you can be rest assured that most shy children break out of their shell and lead perfectly healthy lives. “My daughter has a quiet nature. She is still not as outgoing as many girls her age, but she maintains close friendships and she’s been very successful in her life so far. She has a lot of happiness.” More problems come from trying to “fix” your child’s personality than from shyness itself.
Still, parents should note that shyness may be a sign of depression or a learning disability. If you are worried about your child’s happiness, you should try ruling out these possibilities. You should also know that social anxiety is a disorder that can cause emotional and physical difficulties for your child. If you are concerned, you might consider taking your child to a behavioral therapist, who will help her learn how to be assertive in social situations.
