Parenting Blog

Few relationships are as unique as the ones between siblings. They might be as different as night and day, but it’s tough to find someone who understands you as much as your brother or sister. Consider it: no one else was raised the way you were or shared such similar early experiences. Many siblings find that years of bickering, bullying and often physical fighting give way to a close and lasting friendship. Still, sibling rivalry is a handful for parents to cope with.

Even though siblings share genes, they are usually vastly different from each other. Some psychologists believe that our siblings influence who we become even more than our parents do. It might seem like a freakish coincidence that your two daughters are the exact opposite of each other, but it’s probably not. Siblings may adjust their behavior to compete for your attention or to create harmony within the family. A competitive child might challenge his siblings at all their favorite sports, while a more easygoing child might avoid an activity in which their sibling has excelled in order to avoid comparison or competition. A child could develop great mediation and compromising skills to compensate for his stubborn and demanding sibling.

Sibling rivalry exists for many reasons. A younger kid is bound to become jealous of his older brother’s privileges, while at the same time the older brother is resentful that your younger child has more privileges than he had at that age. When you deal with your children differently because they have unique personalities and needs, chances are your kids won’t understand and demand equality or “fairness.” The best thing to do in these situations is to trust your judgment and stick to your decisions without indulging your kids’ concerns over what is “fair.” Your children innately understand why they can’t all receive the same treatment at any given time.

Still, if your child is angry with a sibling, it’s important that you don’t dismiss his feelings or tell him to suppress them. Kids, rather than learning how to suppress anger, must learn how to deal with it in an acceptable way. Teach your children how to work out disputes with their brothers and sisters verbally to avoid an unproductive yelling or hitting match. Try to allow your kids to work out disputes among themselves whenever possible. It’s important that they learn problem solving skills, but don’t hesitate to step in if the need arises. Also, you shouldn’t compare your children. While it may be tempting during times of high frustration to ask your child “Why can’t you behave like your big sister?” remember that such comments only fuel sibling rivalry and resentment.

Separation anxiety is just as hard on a parent as it is on a child. Leaving a child at preschool for the first time can be heart-wrenching, even if your child adjusts well and gets along with the other kids. In unfortunate cases, a child will cry or throw a tantrum when his parent tries to leave. A parent’s first instinct may be to stick around until their child calms down, but this isn’t always the best course of action. The child often throws a tantrum in order to get you to stay, so by sticking around you are only encouraging their bad behavior. If you don’t indulge his cries, he will calm and soon enough, the tantrums will be a thing of the past.

Of course, leaving a screaming child behind whether at preschool or with a babysitter causes anxiety for the parents. If you’re leaving him at a preschool, you should remember that separation anxiety is not uncommon and your child will be under the care of professionals who know exactly how to deal with such a situation. In that case, it’s best to leave your child and he will likely adjust to his new routine within a few weeks. If he doesn’t adjust, he probably isn’t ready for the change and preschool may be put off for another year. Every child matures at a different rate and such a situation is quite common. Even if your child isn’t ready for preschool when his peers are, don’t worry; chances are he’ll catch up in no time. It’s important to remember, however, that a child who refuses to adjust year after year may have an undiagnosed learning or social disorder such as autism or Asperger’s Syndrome, a kind of social autism. It’s important that such disorders are diagnosed and treated early on, so if you suspect that your child is developmentally impaired you should see a professional right away.

If you’re leaving your child with a young babysitter, make sure your babysitter is equipped to handle a tantrum if your child is experiencing separation anxiety. Even though your child will probably calm a short while after you leave, a young and inexperienced sitter can easily be overwhelmed in that situation. It may be best to leave your child with an experienced parent or an older family member if separation is particularly difficult. Also, a familiar face can comfort a child who is experiencing separation anxiety. Remember, this problem is very common among young children and is usually nothing to worry about. The best thing a parent can do is to not indulge his fears and allow him to adjust to the changes of growing up.

The internet provides wider educational opportunities for today’s children, but it also creates new threats to your child’s safety. From online predators to access to inappropriate websites, kids are bombarded by new dangers springing up every day. Some parents turn to content blockers, while others resort to banning their kids from the computer unless they have permission or are supervised by a parent or older sibling.

Many parents refuse to let their children register on MySpace or other social networking sites, or block them from instant messengers or chat rooms, even if their child only wants to talk with their friends. The fact is that with new advances in technology comes new and sneakier ways for child predators to come in contact with their victims, and it’s no surprise that parents are worried. It doesn’t help that many parents who are not computer-savvy don’t understand how to keep their kids safe. Here are some basics about social networking sites that will put your mind at ease and help you keep your child out of harm’s way.

The frequent subject of horror stories on the nightly news is, of course, MySpace. A directory of public profiles complete with photographs and personal details make this website a sexual predator’s dream-come-true. As with most websites, however, your child’s safety depends on how freely your child gives out his or her information. MySpace has created safety features for its users, including the option to set your profile to “private.” This way, the only people who can see your child’s information are the people she adds to her “friends” list. It’s never a good idea, even if her profile is “private,” for your child to include any important personal information on her profile. It’s always safest for your child to use a nickname or to hide their last name on social networking sites, and of course, never provide information like telephone number, address, or even email. Most young people use these sites to stay in touch with their friends, and there is simply no reason to include information like this. A list of their favorite music on their profile is okay; the name of the city they live in is not.

With the rise of Facebook, MySpace has been steadily falling in popularity. In many ways, Facebook is a much safer alternative to MySpace. For instance, all profiles are set to private, so only those who have profiles themselves and who you add as a friend can view your information. Just like MySpace, with Facebook, your safety depends on how private you keep your information. Your child shouldn’t “friend” people he or she doesn’t know, and should never share specific information on their profile. The safety downfall of Facebook is that your child’s profile can be viewed by people who are members of the same primary “network” that she belongs to, even if she hasn’t added them as a friend. You can fix this problem by visiting the Privacy page and changing the settings of who can view your profile to “Only my friends.” It’s always a good idea to be familiar with each site’s privacy policy and settings.

Instant messaging is safer than visiting a chat room, since your child can control who they chat with and who chats with them. The best way to keep your child safe on instant messengers is to talk with your child about online predators and instructing him or her to refrain from giving away personal information online, even to someone they think is a friend, and to ignore messages from screen names they don’t recognize. Blocking your child from messengers and social networking sites altogether is not necessarily the best option because if your child doesn’t understand basic online safety rules, talking with her is the only way to solve the problem; trying to keep her offline won’t always keep her safe.

Spanking or hitting children is an age-old punishment that is under debate now more than ever. While many professionals say that reasoning with a child is more effective in the long term and less hurtful to parents and child, many parents insist that spanking is a necessary evil and not doing so only encourages bad behavior. Americans are so divided on this issue that roughly half are opposed to physical punishment and the other half support it. The fact that many of today’s parents were spanked or hit as children only complicates the issue. Most can recall the emotional pain of being hit, but many of them make peace with these sad memories by pointing out that they’ve grown up to be healthy, well-adjusted adults.

Is there any proof that physical punishment is damaging to children? There may not be a way to know for sure, but we can explore the issue by looking at Sweden. In 1979, Sweden banned physical punishment for children. Professionals who have examined the behavior of young people since the ban was passed say that behavior has actually improved and happiness has increased among Swedish youth. They also attribute the significantly lower number of violent acts that take place in Sweden (as compared to the United States) to the decrease of physical violence as a means of discipline. Children are taught that hitting is wrong, and so when parents use it as a punishment for bad behavior, it causes confusion and resentment on the child’s part. “Too many parents think that children don’t register spanking as an act of violence,” says Jesse Morgan, a graduate student of child psychology in Michigan. “They think that spanking doesn’t actually hurt the child. In reality, the physical and emotional pain of the act is all the child remembers.” Professionals today even insist that spanking and hitting teach children that violence is an acceptable form of problem-solving, citing that children who are spanked often show greater aggression than those who are not. It seems that the popularity of physical punishment that peaked around the baby-boom generation is now on the decline. “I was punished physically as a child and I still resent it,” says Morgan. “The feelings of hurt and humiliation are as strong today as ever before. It was those feelings and memories that first encouraged me to explore child psychology. I knew that something just wasn’t right.” Though it seems the momentum of the debate is on the opposing side, until a ban like that in Sweden is passed in the United States, it’s up to parents to decide for themselves.

The most effective method of discipline changes with your child’s age. As simple as that sounds, it can be tricky for parents to keep up. This is partly because the best forms of discipline are subject to constant debate by doctors and childcare professionals. Every parenting handbook you open will give you a different set of rules to follow. More important than the method of discipline you choose, however, is your consistency in following it. No matter how varied their opinions on spanking may be, every childcare professional agrees that if you don’t keep to your rules, neither will your child.

Consistency is especially important as your child begins to interpret the consequences of his behavior. This typically begins around the age of three. At this point you should take the time to explain to your child why his or her behavior is unacceptable. Punishing a young child without giving a reason is ineffective because your child has not yet developed his sense of right and wrong. Don’t expect a behavior problem to be solved the first time you discuss it with your child. You should expect him to repeat his actions, and this is where consistency comes in: you must react each time the behavior comes up. If you make sure your child cleans up his messy room before he goes out to play, he will eventually form a habit of making sure his room is clean before asking you if his friend can come over. On the other hand, if you frequently let your child leave his clothes or toys all over the floor, you cannot expect him to develop clean habits.

Another mistake parents make in disciplining their child happens when each parents doles out different punishments for the same behavior. If Mom turns a blind eye to the occasional temper tantrum while Dad gives a strict punishment each time their child loses control, the child will not learn that tantrums are unacceptable and his behavior will not change. Parents should make a habit of discussing their child’s behavior with each other and deciding on an appropriate response they will both take each time it happens. Whatever form of discipline you choose, it’s crucial that you act every time.

Never underestimate the power of praise. When your child controls his behavior in a difficult situation or successfully picks up his toys before starting a new activity, let him know that you’ve noticed. It’s a lot easier to reward your child than it is to punish him, and some doctors believe it’s more effective as well. Discipline doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult if you take simple measures and stick to your rules.